For the first time in my life, I am really starting with the end in mind.... one of the most interesting lessons at the beginning of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Starting with the end in mind...
I am envisioning my death. Yes! I am going to imagine who will be at my funeral and what they would say. Who will want to say anything and what do I hope for them to say?
"Sing barren woman, you who has never bore a child; shout for joy, you who were never in labour; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LordFor the past 8 years, I have been filled with a sense of failure about my life. And for the past years, I have looked for ways to hide the shame: no car, no house but the biggest of them: no husband. Though admittedly, it has not been so much a sense of failure when it came to the no husband section; I have been more "defeated" by something I have no control over. I just really wanted it, but I did not look at the end game.
- Isaiah 54:1
Then recently I watched an animation movie, Coco... and it got me thinking, what memories do I want people to have of me? Who do I want to remember me? How do I want them to remember me? How should people feel when they hear the name Hannah H. Tarindwa?
Questioning myself in this manner made me realize...I have not really been existing with MY bigger picture in mind. It's not really about the car nor is it about the house (which people would probably argue and fight over, if I were to die today); it is more about what I want specific people to think about me in their private moments. To pick up a book that will have words that will comfort them, strengthen them, give them hope and even inspiration. I want a stranger unknown to me to be moved to being the best version of themselves because they read my blog and a fire in them was lit!
Yes I want a nucleus family and I also want that boundless family, not bound by blood but by agape. A true universal love. I want someone to be glad they got to know me, even for a moment.
But that will not be possible if I do not focus on the greater picture. You see, it is my looking at the path, not the destination, that has got me into short lived relationships that almost made me bitter towards love relationships. The truth is that I have not really assessed if people I interacted with fit into the bigger picture. I did leave a 3 year relationship when I saw that it just was not part of the Hannah puzzle but it was not a conscious action. It's like forcing a Star Wars puzzle piece to a Sophia the first puzzle...it just would not work. I want to inspire, I want to love, my big picture is not about being remembered by a group of 100 people, I want tens of thousands. I do not have to stand on a stage to be acknowledged, but maybe a lecture hall, to be in someone's tablet as a pdf book, or a postcard on their fridge. The female, African, Mark Twain...
With the bigger picture finally visible in my mind, I think at 33 I shall be good at picking the right puzzle pieces for the right puzzle. This means I must bid farewell to those people, things and habits that do not fit into the puzzle. I have wasted time enough, I don't know how much is left, I must therefore take heed and make the change now
To the 32 years that have shaped me to this, thank you! For the headaches, the losses, the gains, the achievements and the disappointments, I bid you farewell. I am starting afresh (without cutting my hair, again), because that is what growth is about. The seed cannot remain in the soil forever, it must germinate and break open the soil so that it may grow. Hannah H. Tarindwa is not just a woman, she is a force to be reckoned with and that name shall not go forgotten, they will remember her when she is gone.
2018...Bring it on.